And Life Goes On...

With the sudden and heart breaking loss of my mother in law I feel as if I am walking in a haze, as if the world I see around me isn't quite clear and not what it once was. I never in a million years thought that I would lose my mother in law only 5 and half years after marrying her son. I never thought that I'd be going through this at age 25, that my children would grow up not having two sets of grandparents. Through Elsie's death I realized how close she and I truly were. The countless conversations about life, God's Word, children, marriage, cooking, decorating, and hopes and dreams... The many outings together... The days of sending the kids to visit her for the day while I had a day to myself... The future plans of going to Disney World and Hershey Park... All of that has come to a sudden end. Death is the one thing in life that is unchangeable. Pretty much everything else you do or go through in life can be changed if you try hard enough. Death cannot be changed, no matter how badly you want it to. I've never been one who handles changes very gracefully. Change makes me uncomfortable and sometimes down right panicky. This is one of life's biggest changes and I don't know how to handle it. I think I am handling it well to all who observe me, but internally it's not going so well. I don't want my mother in law to be gone. I dont' want my husband to not have a mom anymore. I don't want Aden and Emma to never spend time with their grandma again. I don't want any of this and I don't like it and there is nothing I can do about it. Whether or not I am ready for life to going on, it does. When life stops for one, it keeps going on for the living. I know that eventually we will find ourselves in a "new normal". I know that because it's so fresh, and I can't imagine life without her, it doesn't seem that life will ever be normal again, and in some ways it won't. It won't ever be the same, it can't be, but it doesn't mean it can't be good again. I don't see how the ache of this pain in my heart will ever lessen, but I know it will, it does for everyone who loses a loved one. It's hard right now to get out there and do the things I've always done, like clean house, run errands, take the kids to playdates. It is what it is and I won't act like there isn't a big ugly monster named Grief hovering around me.
I know my mother in law would want us to keep living life to the fullest and to grow closer to God and to one another. I know she would not want us to sit around and mourn our lives away, and I have no intention of doing that. I just have to sort out what life will be like now that she isn't in it and that's hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This year has been filled with the hardest things I have ever had to live through. I think I've had to do a lot of growing up this year and all that growing is painful. I know that I will see my mother in law again. She was a devout Christian woman and I draw comfort in knowing she is with our Savior now, immersed in His glorious presence, that when my time comes I will see her again. It's not a goodbye, but rather a see you later.
I am not sure where all this was going, other than I just needed to write about my feelings. I pray that the Lord has some better times for Jon and I and that they are coming soon...
I love you Elsie and I will miss you greatly.